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In prostration I find the wings of my heart. I feel the closest to my Beloved when prostrating my self and my heart before Him. Prostration is the most upright approach to the Divine.
But I have to say, Pride is a bitch. It rears its ugly head in the most twistedly creative ways.
My beloved and I have been joining a local Eastern Orthodox parish for morning prayer on Sundays and it has been so wonderfully sobering, humbling and fulfilling. After I started on my Sufi path most western Christian worship seemed hollow and meaningless to me. I’m sure that it is my own fallen nature that limits me in this way. Not that western worship IS meaningless and hollow, just my own experience of it. I was thinking last Sunday how long it’s been since I’ve actually looked forward to Sunday worship and tears filled my heart with hope and thankfulness for EO morning prayer. Thank God! Anyway…
This last Tuesday, Juanita and I went to the “Vesperal Liturgy of The Forerunner.” There was a point when everyone prostrated them selves before the Eucharist and I wanted to as well but all these thoughts and fears got in the way.
Every Sunday as well, I long to throw off the coat of self-consciousness and false humility. I long to throw myself before the feet of God. But every time this longing in my heart arises, I start to fear. I start to fear what will other people think who are REAL Orthodox? Will they think, “how inappropriate for a non-orthodox christian to worship in this way” or “just how inappropriate”? Will they think that I am being like the Pharisee who prayed at the top of his lungs, “thank you god that I am not like this sinner over here”? Will they think that I am simply doing it because everyone else is doing it and I just want to fit in? All this flaunts itself under the guise of, “there is a time and place for everything” or “after a while I’ll feel more comfortable doing… whatever.” Unfortunately though… possibly… if I take this route I’m sure those “comforts” will come to pass. But will I then be giving into the lies that my pride is telling me? Should I just go for it? Probably so… maybe not… but probably so. May God give me His courage over my pride! Ya Allah Al-Aziz!
Thanks be to God.
After watching an Indian film (called, ‘Water’) about Hindu widows, my heart got to thinking and asking…
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“What if your conscience conflicts with your faith?”
–quote from ‘Water’“I used to think that God was Truth, but now I know that Truth is God.”
–Ghandi (paraphrased)
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If one seeks truth above all else, does one find God? Not necessarily…? Then how does one find Truth? Purely by God’s grace. Purely by God’s predestined grace!
Abraham was a righteous man. God loved and blessed him for his righteousness. How did Abraham find righteousness outside of ‘religion’? (The same goes for Buddha.) Why does everyone after him need religion to find righteousness? (what about relationship?) Is it about a guarantee or a ‘get out of jail free card’ or a ‘life insurance policy’? What does Jesus say about righteousness in the context of his cultural Judaism and outside that same context? Can we trust the ‘Christian Gospels’?
Legalism is bullshit, a mockery of the Truth and the Law. A mockery of the Heart. But what of purity? Is righteousness found in one Man? In returning to the purity of God’s creation that He called ‘Good’? In the many idols of mankind? Or in the act of TRYING?? Is it found in the depths of the longing of the Heart of Hearts? Is Righteousness found in the Heart? Can God put it there to be found if He so pleases? Does He do so in everyone? Where is righteousness to be found? How is righteousness to be found?
Questions are not a sign of doubt.
Doubt is not a lack of Faith.
Faith is not a sign of Truth.
Truth is not a lack of Questions.
…and the Dharma wheel turns…
Why do people seem to need a system to find God? Do people who search for God in a system really find Him?
Many people in the system will find God, Truth, Al-Haqq, but many may not. Many people outside the system will find God, Truth, Al-Haqq, but many may not. Are there no guarantees of God’s predestination to His Will? (this definitely isn’t a path for discipleship)
I feel like a spiritual or religious outcast. An untouchable. Caught between systems. I cling ever so tightly to the Lord of Outcasts and Untouchables, Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the Son of God and Man.
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