“The Hawk in the Rain” by Ted Hughes

 

“Effortlessly at height hangs his still eye.” The phrase, “height hangs,” is an example of alliteration.

“Steady as a hallucination in the streaming air.”, is the only direct simile I can find in this poem (as defined by the usage of “like” or “as”) but there are plenty of examples of Metaphor.

“And rain hacks my head to the bone, the hawk hangs / The diamond point of will that polestars / The sea drowner’s endurance: and I,” all three of these seem to show enjambment. “Morsel in the earth’s mouth,” uses metaphor to describe how the speaker feels in relation to the earth. “…strain towards the master- / Fulcrum of violence where the hawk hangs still,” uses metaphor to describe the sky (in which the hawk resides) as the still point of a fulcrum from which the violence upon the speaker is being dealt.

Also personification is used in describing the earth as having a mouth. “That maybe in his own time meets the weather” In this line and those following in the final stanza, the speaker’s voice seems to invoke a sense of either envy or just a sober realization of the frailty of all creatures, even powerfully aloof ones. We will all have to face our downfall at some point. But due to the speaker’s point of view as a “sea drowner” and his description of the hawk as both a hanger of a polestar of endurance and will power and having “wings (that) hold all creation in a weightless quiet,” a combination of envy, reverence and awe would seem to be better words to describe his emotion to his own circumstances in relation to that of the hawk. He definitely wants the freedom, power and peace that the hawk seemingly possesses.

 

The Hawk in the Rain by Ted Hughes (Imaginative Writing, page 31)

 

I drown in the drumming ploughland, I drag up

Heel after heel from the swallowing of the earth’s mouth,

From clay that clutches my each step to the ankle

With the habit of the dogged grave, but the hawk

 

Effortlessly at height hangs his still eye.

His wings hold all creation in a weightless quiet,

Steady as a hallucination in the streaming air.

While banging wind kills these stubborn hedges,

 

Thumbs my eyes, throws my breath, tackles my heart,

And rain hacks my head to the bone, the hawk hangs

The diamond point of will that polestars

The sea drowner’s endurance: and I,

 

Bloodily grabbed dazed last-moment-counting

Morsel in the earth’s mouth, strain towards the master-

Fulcrum of violence where the hawk hangs still,

That maybe in his own time meets the weather

 

Coming from the wrong way, suffers the air, hurled upside down,

Fall from his eye, the ponderous shires crash on him,

The horizon traps him; the round angelic eye

Smashed, mix his heart’s blood with the mire of the land.

On The Death of A Son

(Five Haiku in response to another human’s unfathomable loss)

Shatters life in two
He was my Son goddamn it!
After shatters Now

My Being Shatters
I am annihilated
Screams in Heaven felt

Do not accept this
My soul Rages like a Bull
I would destroy this!

Do not resist me
All will fall to my Sorrow
This Earth is lay waste

“Give up now,” you say
But my Pain emaciates
Life, Love: Meaningless

-jfs

Making the Invisible, Visible

Everything in the Church is a Sacrament. A Sacrament is something that brings a spiritual reality into a physical manifestation.

Holy Communion is of course a sacrament, but so is the putting on and wearing of the priest’s vestments. So is the touching of the hem of the vestments by the laypeople. Because when the Priest puts on the vestments, he puts on Christ and loosing himself in Christ fully becomes himself as the holy Icon of Christ. When we as laypeople touch the hem of the priest’s vestments we don’t simply offer a symbolic gesture. Rather, we become in a spiritual reality the bleeding woman, darting between the righteous, hoping that no one notices our uncleanliness that would banish us from the presence of our Lord and Master. Hoping beyond hope, that we can get just close enough to simply graze the hem of the cloak of our master and that alone would be just enough to bring us the inspiration to keep living with our bleeding and brokenness and rejection. And barely, just barely daring to hope for fullness and health and the light of His Face upon our hearts and bodies.

This, then is really an Icon of our hearts as they graze the hem of His glory in prayer. Sometimes this is shown and at other times it remains hidden as the uncreated light is hidden in darkness. Everything is a sacrament, everything is an Icon, everything is holy, every story is about Jesus and the need or redemption of the world.

Thanks and Praise be to God,
John

This was from Me

“This was from me” is a famous letter written by saint Seraphim of Viritsa that he sent to his spiritual child, a bishop who was in a Soviet prison at that time; this homily “This was from me” is written as a consolation and counsel to the bishop to let him know that God the Creator addresses to the soul of man.

Have you ever thought that everything that concerns you, concerns Me, also? You are precious in my eyes and I love you; for this reason, it is a special joy for Me to train you. When temptations and the opponent [the Evil One] come upon you like a river, I want you to know that This was from Me.

I want you to know that your weakness has need of My strength, and your safety lies in allowing Me to protect you. I want you to know that when you are in difficult conditions, among people who do not understand you, and cast you away, This was from Me.

I am your God, the circumstances of your life are in My hands; you did not end up in your position by chance; this is precisely the position I have appointed for you. Weren’t you asking Me to teach you humility? And there – I placed you precisely in the “school” where they teach this lesson. Your environment, and those who are around you, are performing My will. Do you have financial difficulties and can just barely survive? Know that This was from Me.

I want you to know that I dispose of your money, so take refuge in Me and depend upon Me. I want you to know that My storehouses are inexhaustible, and I am faithful in My promises. Let it never happen that they tell you in your need, “Do not believe in your Lord and God.” Have you ever spent the night in suffering? Are you separated from your relatives, from those you love? I allowed this that you would turn to Me, and in Me find consolation and comfort. Did your friend or someone to whom you opened your heart, deceive you? This was from Me.

I allowed this frustration to touch you so that you would learn that your best friend is the Lord. I want you to bring everything to Me and tell Me everything. Did someone slander you? Leave it to Me; be attached to Me so that you can hide from the “contradiction of the nations.” I will make your righteousness shine like light and your life like midday noon. Your plans were destroyed? Your soul yielded and you are exhausted? This was from Me.

You made plans and have your own goals; you brought them to Me to bless them. But I want you to leave it all to Me, to direct and guide the circumstances of your life by My hand, because you are the orphan, not the protagonist. Unexpected failures found you and despair overcame your heart, but know That this was from Me.

With tiredness and anxiety I am testing how strong your faith is in My promises and your boldness in prayer for your relatives. Why is it not you who entrusted their cares to My providential love? You must leave them to the protection of My All Pure Mother. Serious illness found you, which may be healed or may be incurable, and has nailed you to your bed. This was from Me.

Because I want you to know Me more deeply, through physical ailment, do not murmur against this trial I have sent you. And do not try to understand My plans for the salvation of people’s souls, but unmurmuringly and humbly bow your head before My goodness. You were dreaming about doing something special for Me and, instead of doing it, you fell into a bed of pain. This was from Me.

Because then you were sunk in your own works and plans and I wouldn’t have been able to draw your thoughts to Me. But I want to teach you the most deep thoughts and My lessons, so that you may serve Me. I want to teach you that you are nothing without Me. Some of my best children are those who, cut off from an active life, learn to use the weapon of ceaseless prayer. You were called unexpectedly to undertake a difficult and responsible position, supported by Me. I have given you these difficulties and as the Lord God I will bless all your works, in all your paths. In everything I, your Lord, will be your guide and teacher. Remember always that every difficulty you come across, every offensive word, every slander and criticism, every obstacle to your works, which could cause frustration and disappointment, This is from Me.

Know and remember always, no matter where you are, That whatsoever hurts will be dulled as soon as you learn In all things, to look at Me. Everything has been sent to you by Me, for the perfection of your soul. All these things were from Me.

(Cited from Orthodoxwiki.org)

Ambiguity in illness and loss of identity

(a letter i never sent to a friend regarding the illness of my beloved.)

My Friend,

Just some thoughts on illness as I suffer with my beloved…

When an illness doesn’t have a name, most people don’t take you seriously. They may say they do or infer that they do. But the always goading judgment at the back of their mind is, “this person is making this up, they believe what they’re telling me, but its some form of mental illness… obviously.” I know this to be true because I myself have thought this of various people at various moments and know that I am not alone in my suspicions. Of course there is always a psychological aspect to all illness. We are all, in sickness and in health, holistic beings.

It is terrifying to find out that you have a particular illness. What is this foreign thing in my being that appears to be part of me yet I know is a trespasser? But ambiguity in illness is sometimes even more terrifying than knowing. When my body, heart, mind and soul are steadily eroding away, how do I find peace about something that is undefinable?

At first ambiguity is easier, because at the beginning you still have your egoic hope. You tell yourself that there’s a solution out there, that it’s just a matter of time and of finding it and surly it can’t be that hard. But after a while, after a few spins around the merry-go-round of chronic illness, the inspiration of hope erodes into “trying”, which in turn erodes into despair and just waiting on the sinking raft of your identity amidst the deep dark ocean of “the ambiguous illness.” In ambiguity there’s no identity to latch onto, infuse yourself with, no cloak of self-righteous suffering to mask your self loathing and fears of loosing self. There’s no flag you can wave and no cause to claim fealty to, just suffering, fear and death to an nameless, faceless, unknowable enemy.

I’ve noticed how sick and suffering and “well” people crave an identity to claim. Even if it’s killing them or destroying their spirit. They are terrified of healing, because healing can be a kind of death unto itself. It may be more terrifying to be without identity than it is to be ill.

But that’s what everyone wants no matter whether you’re sick or well, people want Identity. I want identity. That’s why i have struggled so much with the identity of my faith. Without divine hope, ambiguity = anxiety. If you have identity and definition you are “safe”. If you can define your own image there is a sense of safety in that. This occurs in other arenas of life, not just suffering. Anything I do that can be traced back to “self-image” is really a fain attempt at finding identity.

I think this comes from an existential desire for one’s true identity which can only be found in the undefinable, unidentifiable, unimaginable infinity of the anti-identity of God. (From an apophatic point of view.) While it is true that God identifies himself and exists as the Trinity, there is the unlimited existence of God that far exceeds those human notions ideas, and relationships. Seemingly it is to this that the deepest part of the human soul constantly flies to and yearns toward. If you want to save your life you must first loose it. If you want to find your identity you must first loose it. May God find all of His lost, myself included.

God’s peace,
john

St. Seraphim of Sarov

St. Seraphim of Sarov asked for these remarkable words to be inscribed on his tombstone and they make me weep:

“When I am dead, come to me at my grave, and the more often the better. Whatever is on your soul, whatever may have happened to you, come to me as when I was alive, and kneeling on the ground, cast all your bitterness upon my grave. Tell me everything and I shall listen to you, and all the bitterness will fly away from you. And as you spoke to me when I was alive, do so now. For I am living, and I shall be for ever.”

It was love at first sight.. er read.. with him. It may seem kinda early but he seems like he might become my patron saint. It’s like my heart seems to just naturally/ mystically open to him, in spite of all the scar tissue and heart break. He is able to access the broken parts that seem completely impervious to myself otherwise. It’s so amazing how much Love flows through him. I struggle a lot with loving customers at work. In my job I get really tired of people… dealing with all their scruples, selfishness and caffeine addiction backlash, etc. (Don’t get between an addict and their drug, unless you’re ready for a fight. “Just say Yes!” as the sbux motto goes.) He had hundreds of people visiting him daily and he never tired of them, always happy to see them. I already really love him and his life. Thanks be to God!

My Heart is a Wine Glass

My heart is a wine glass and only Allah can make it sing. Only He can fill it. Only His touch to the lips of my heart has the right pressure and friction to produce the resonance that makes it sing and shatter into a million pieces. Only the voice of God can speak my pieces back into the Oneness that can only be filled by Him. I long to be Sufi.

Whether I be Sufi or Christian, I don’t know. I know the basics of what I believe. I know what my heart believes. I know that my faith always seems to be walking on the razor’s edge. CERTAINLY i don’t boast with this. So much i wish i had a normal faith like everyone else that is easily “explainable”. Will I always struggle with this feeling of being an outcast? Jesus was an outcast, and look. So I should be thankful of my “problem” I guess. Maybe belonging to man’s delineation of God’s Kingdom is not my purpose. I don’t know. All I know is that Allah chooses to fill my cup through the Sufis and the Christians. For some reason I don’t find fullness in Sufism or Christianity alone. My cup is filled through Allah and Christ. I know my God, because even when I think I don’t, He knows me. I rest in that.

Christ is in our midst, Insha’Allah.

To a young unbeloved self

If you were married or had a Beloved you would come to realize…

The good you do for your beloved is the same good or actually better than the good you do for yourself.

Why serve yourself for the moment, when the fruits of serving your beloved in the midst of suffering, make your heart and belly full of peace, love, joy and satisfaction?

To serve The Beloved is to serve my beloved. To serve my beloved is to serve The Beloved and to serve My Beloved beats serving myself.  If only I could finally learn this lesson…

may you have deep peace…

Vain Remembrance?

So this is what I got on this question. Very open to input on the answer.

I was asked by someone recently:

“Why should we pray the same prayer over and over if scripture says, ‘Do not pray in vain repetitions like the pagans do.’?”

To say that the Remembrance of God’s Name is part of the History, Tradition and Ritual of Christ’s Body the Church, seemed to have less of a convincing impact than the following arguments … in other words, ‘show me in Scripture and Reason’ and I will believe.  So here are my thoughts on the subject of the constant remembrance of the Name of God.

There are a few ways of looking at this question, first there’s reason, next there’s syntax, after that the context of scripture and lastly (my favorite) there is the wisdom of the heart.  In other words, from what or where do you draw your motivation for prayer and meditation?

So what about praying in vain repetitions?

If you had a statement that read, “Do not pluck and eat unripe or rotten fruit!”, would one gather from this statement that one should not gather or eat fruit period? Of course not! You would say, “Good fruit is good to eat and good for the body and is a gift from the Creator for our nourishment and well being. Unripe fruit should be left on the tree to mature. Rotten fruit should be allowed to fall to the ground and return to the dust of the earth!”

What about praying with repetition?

The scripture does command prayer without ceasing.  It speaks of an unceasing knocking on the door of the heart waiting for God to answer.  If knocking is not repetitive then I don’t know what is?

What about praying in vanity?

Prayer does not require repetitiveness to be vain.  There are practically endless ways in which prayer can be vain or self serving.  To the contemplative, any personal desire that draws one’s attention away from unification with God is a vane desire.  Taken to the extreme this would seem to be a long list of distractions. (It is a long list so you probably shouldn’t dwell on it while meditating lest you become distracted. hah, just kidding… maybe… i don’t know… whatever…)
But when it comes to the practice of the remembrance of God’s name, the extremity of The Love is at the root of the Heart.  Mercy, grace, understanding, forbearance and service are at the reach of your arms, legs, ears, eyes, tong, thoughts and relationships.

Approaching God

To approach God with desire or motivation for personal gain or change in ones state or station, is to approach God in vanity.  One must sacrifice their desires on the alter of their Heart!  I want to only desire complete annihilation into the person-hood of God.  So that not my will but God’s will is done.  So that the battle of my will vs. Divine Will is finished and ceases.  It is to submit to the humanly abasing will of the Divine.  To even submit one’s own sense of ‘fairness’, justice or righteousness to the larger reality of God’s Divine Justice, Righteousness, Mercy, Grace and Love.  It is to have an ‘I don’t know’ mind.  It is to submit the depths of the heart to the all consuming fire of God’s love.  The Love that can be a heaven of unending ecstatic Annihilation or a hell of unending all engulfing, yet never consuming fire of eternal agony.  (This reminds me of “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis.  Heaven being more real than this ‘real’ corporeal world, which is in turn itself more real than hell.)

some vein pursuits I am guilty of in life (contemplative or otherwise):

• not being the Beloved to my beloved
• seeking the experience of mystical graces
• seeking Divine favor for personal ease in daily life
• seeking Divine favor in personal or egotistical desires for success or advancement in the world
• seeking the ease of my spouses distress for the sake of my own comfort
• seeking the mystical power of God as desired by and for my own will
• seeking assurances in this mysterious path God has laid before me, instead of throwing my full faith into his predestined will, and accepting that there’s no plan B
• desiring some other job than the one that I find myself in
• thinking that an ‘ideal’ job would be the culmination of my fulfillment
• not practicing radical acceptance of the present moment
• not being content in states and stations of this life
• the list goes on, but these are the ways I follow my vanity, that are most visible to myself.

Lord have mercy.

Christ of mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Water, Purity, Righteousness, Longing and Freedom

After watching an Indian film (called, ‘Water’) about Hindu widows, my heart got to thinking and asking…

“

“What if your conscience conflicts with your faith?”
–quote from ‘Water’

“I used to think that God was Truth, but now I know that Truth is God.”
–Ghandi (paraphrased)

“

If one seeks truth above all else, does one find God? Not necessarily…? Then how does one find Truth? Purely by God’s grace. Purely by God’s predestined grace!

Abraham  was a righteous man. God loved and blessed him for his righteousness. How did Abraham find righteousness outside of ‘religion’? (The same goes for Buddha.) Why does everyone after him need religion to find righteousness? (what about relationship?) Is it about a guarantee or a ‘get out of jail free card’ or a ‘life insurance policy’? What does Jesus say about righteousness in the context of his cultural Judaism and outside that same context? Can we trust the ‘Christian Gospels’?

Legalism is bullshit, a mockery of the Truth and the Law. A mockery of the Heart. But what of purity? Is righteousness found in one Man? In returning to the purity of God’s creation that He called ‘Good’? In the many idols of mankind? Or in the act of TRYING?? Is it found in the depths of the longing of the Heart of Hearts? Is Righteousness found in the Heart? Can God put it there to be found if He so pleases? Does He do so in everyone? Where is righteousness to be found? How is righteousness to be found?

Questions are not a sign of doubt.
Doubt is not a lack of Faith.
Faith is not a sign of Truth.
Truth is not a lack of Questions.

…and the Dharma wheel turns…

Why do people seem to need a system to find God? Do people who search for God in a system really find Him?

Many people in the system will find God, Truth, Al-Haqq, but many may not.  Many people outside the system will find God, Truth, Al-Haqq, but many may not. Are there no guarantees of God’s predestination to His Will? (this definitely isn’t a path for discipleship)

I feel like a spiritual or religious outcast. An untouchable. Caught between systems. I cling ever so tightly to the Lord of Outcasts and Untouchables, Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the Son of God and Man.