Making the Invisible, Visible

Everything in the Church is a Sacrament. A Sacrament is something that brings a spiritual reality into a physical manifestation.

Holy Communion is of course a sacrament, but so is the putting on and wearing of the priest’s vestments. So is the touching of the hem of the vestments by the laypeople. Because when the Priest puts on the vestments, he puts on Christ and loosing himself in Christ fully becomes himself as the holy Icon of Christ. When we as laypeople touch the hem of the priest’s vestments we don’t simply offer a symbolic gesture. Rather, we become in a spiritual reality the bleeding woman, darting between the righteous, hoping that no one notices our uncleanliness that would banish us from the presence of our Lord and Master. Hoping beyond hope, that we can get just close enough to simply graze the hem of the cloak of our master and that alone would be just enough to bring us the inspiration to keep living with our bleeding and brokenness and rejection. And barely, just barely daring to hope for fullness and health and the light of His Face upon our hearts and bodies.

This, then is really an Icon of our hearts as they graze the hem of His glory in prayer. Sometimes this is shown and at other times it remains hidden as the uncreated light is hidden in darkness. Everything is a sacrament, everything is an Icon, everything is holy, every story is about Jesus and the need or redemption of the world.

Thanks and Praise be to God,
John

Have a Heart as Wide as Heaven

I think that I can deduce from this consuming interest in prayer (no matter how much it ebbs and flows) that part of my vocation in life is prayer. No… maybe all of my vocation is prayer and everything else I do, is at the pleasure of His good Desire for my happiness. Unfortunately this makes me a vocational slacker and looser. Pray for me, Selaphiel, that I would embrace my vocation whole heartedly, throwing my self into the fiery mouth of His all consuming Love.

“In order to enter Paradise, one must have a heart as wide as the heavens, a heart that embraces all men. If a heart excludes even just one person, it will not be accepted by the Lord because He will not be able to dwell in it. Prayer, as Fr. Sophrony says, is an endless creation; it is a school that teaches us to remain in the presence of the Lord. This effort to remain with the Lord is an exercise that finally overcomes death, which is why our prayer must be neither superficial nor mechanical.

How can God give ear to our prayer if we do not even agree with the words when we do not pay attention to their meaning? If we want God to heed our entreaty, we ourselves must first be totally present in the words we offer up to Him. It is good for our mind to be enthroned in our heart, and as we offer our thoughts to the Lord, our words will be heart-felt, and therefore pronounced attentively, one by one.

I am certain that if we resolve to pray like this, then God will be our Teacher.

…

Let us be humble. Let us have the certainty of our nothingness before God, knowing that the only thing that makes us truly human is the breath that our God and Creator has breathed into us. In every other respect we are earth, and earth is trodden underfoot.”

–The Hidden Man of the Heart by Archimandrite Zacharias, pgs. 30-31

God’s Peace,

john

Sin and Obedience in the midst of Grace

This evening, on our way to Paraclesus, we were walking through the parking lot of  St. John’s.  I was noticing how open and upfront all the backyards of all the church’s neighbors were.  I could in a sense, see into their lives through the openness of their backyards.  I thought of how the grace of our parish, of our church building even, was at that very moment overflowing and spilling into the yards and lives of our neighbors and how unaware many of them probably were of the presence of this grace and how in the presence of this unknown grace they were (like most of us) probably living out their lives in unabashed sin and unaware blasphemy in the presence our Creator’s grace.

Then I began thinking about how I live out my life in the presence of grace and how because of my wife, my parish and the Holy Spirit, I am blessed with even momentary awareness of that grace that flows through all of creation.  Yet even with that further grace of momentary realization I continue to (in full awareness most of the time) live out my life in unabashed sin and forgetfulness. I do this in spite of the constant presence of my own temple, of my own body and spirit.  I live in sin even enthusiastically most of the time, in spite of the constant presence of the temples of other peoples bodies and spirits.  But I am suddenly aware of how amazingly heart breaking that is; that my sin reaches to such a depth and is so complete that even in the constant shadow of the temple of of the holy spirit, I am so terribly sinful.  I am a mad man that poisons himself and all Creation, though he thinks it to be medicine.

If the first act of sin cast not only man, but all of creation into a downward spiral, then every time we sin today, we perpetuate not only the fallenness of man but also the fallenness of all Creation. Then so too the inverse is true. If we live our lives in the newness of Christ’s redemption, in the recreation of reality through the death and resurrection of Christ, if we live lives aspiring toward holiness in the grace and forgiveness of our God, then each act of obedience, love and contrition of heart, not only restores us to an original state, but in reality restores for at least a moment (or is at least the beginning of) all reality and Creation. (sorry for the run on sentence.)

What do You want?

(This was my first essay for my college Comp 1 course.)

What do you want?

“Why are you taking a college course?” This question is so fraught with ego. Mainly because human beings are professional bullshitters, both of themselves and people they want to impress. If you can come up with a polished and sophisticated answer anyone will believe you, even if you don’t believe it yourself. It’s called sales and if you sell others long enough you’ll probably end up selling yourself or jumping off a cliff figuratively or otherwise.

Dr. Garcia told me that I would be a wonderful counselor due to my strong intuitive abilities; that I was a natural psychologist because I translated my human experience through sign and symbol. My wife says that I am a great writer, but apparently by the end of this essay you will find out if she’s biased or not. Based on the crazy antics I employ to make it through the doldrums of the retail coffee industry (with my sanity intact), my coworkers say that I should be an actor, comedian or God forbid a writer. Sam, my catholic co-belligerent in coffee slanging, says that I’ll probably end up as a priest. He thinks I have some kind of self control over my “passions”. But that’s probably just a deception to make myself look good in front of others. With all these people telling me what I should or could be, how do I sort it all out on the inside? How do I know what I really want?

“What do You want?” the little boy asked me, his brick wall stare penetrating my insecurities. I noticed he put an emphasis on the “You” so that I wouldn’t take his question flippantly. He had dusty dark blond hair, corn blue eyes and a serious stare that could only come from looking at your own subconscious face to face. The kind of deep ageless stare that you see on a child’s face that makes you realize that children are people too, like grown-ups without presumption. He looked exactly as I had around the age of eight or nine except for the hair and eyes. The colors were muted, like in an old color photograph from the 60’s. Then the boy closed his eyes, he turned and I awoke suddenly with a snort, in the driver’s seat, my eyes adjusting to the dim light of the mid-day sun. During lunchtime I must have fallen asleep from the heat of the beating sun on my smashed up Toyota Tercel. I was drenched in sweat, grit and coal dust from work. My prayer beads were still in my left hand and I could feel the vibrating buzz of Allah washing over me.

For a few months now I had been learning meditation, prayer and spiritual healing from a Sufi healer named David. It had become a rollercoaster of mystical experience where God seemed to be opening himself to me at every turn, prior to that I felt disconnected, malcontent, orphaned from myself. But now I had found my True Love. I couldn’t take in enough. All I wanted was to sit, meditate, pray and bask in the glory of the divine.

Earlier that morning I got up to make the 45 minute drive to the east Austin blacksmith shop I worked at. As I made the drive down Airport Boulevard I was in love with everything and everyone. The whole world was my beloved and even if others didn’t consciously recognize it, we were caught up in a sea of unity where everything and everyone was holy and loved.

In those moments I definitely know what I want. I want to swim in the sea of God’s love and I want everyone else swimming with me. I want peace, harmony, a sense of purpose, satisfaction and fulfillment. I want to not be angry and to stop hurting others through my rage and for others to do the same. I want to affect peace and harmony in the world and come home at the end of the day satisfied with my labor. I want my labor not to serve the gross inequalities of this upside-down kingdom, but to help humankind back to their true nature. In essence I want to help us remember some of the most vital things we’ve chosen to forget.

Louis, my blacksmithing mentor, challenged my dreams with an apophatic approach of never believing that I really knew what I wanted and calling “bullshit” anytime he smelled it. He also helped me to remember what it was to labor and be satisfied with your days work even if you’re not satisfied with the result. David helped me to remember what my true essence was and much as the experience of learning Sufi prayer and meditation set me on a path to find what I wanted from my faith, I am hoping that college will help me find what I want from the right vocation and be satisfied with the days work. I don’t expect a mystical experience, but I do hope to find some guidance.

Thank you very much.

This was from Me

“This was from me” is a famous letter written by saint Seraphim of Viritsa that he sent to his spiritual child, a bishop who was in a Soviet prison at that time; this homily “This was from me” is written as a consolation and counsel to the bishop to let him know that God the Creator addresses to the soul of man.

Have you ever thought that everything that concerns you, concerns Me, also? You are precious in my eyes and I love you; for this reason, it is a special joy for Me to train you. When temptations and the opponent [the Evil One] come upon you like a river, I want you to know that This was from Me.

I want you to know that your weakness has need of My strength, and your safety lies in allowing Me to protect you. I want you to know that when you are in difficult conditions, among people who do not understand you, and cast you away, This was from Me.

I am your God, the circumstances of your life are in My hands; you did not end up in your position by chance; this is precisely the position I have appointed for you. Weren’t you asking Me to teach you humility? And there – I placed you precisely in the “school” where they teach this lesson. Your environment, and those who are around you, are performing My will. Do you have financial difficulties and can just barely survive? Know that This was from Me.

I want you to know that I dispose of your money, so take refuge in Me and depend upon Me. I want you to know that My storehouses are inexhaustible, and I am faithful in My promises. Let it never happen that they tell you in your need, “Do not believe in your Lord and God.” Have you ever spent the night in suffering? Are you separated from your relatives, from those you love? I allowed this that you would turn to Me, and in Me find consolation and comfort. Did your friend or someone to whom you opened your heart, deceive you? This was from Me.

I allowed this frustration to touch you so that you would learn that your best friend is the Lord. I want you to bring everything to Me and tell Me everything. Did someone slander you? Leave it to Me; be attached to Me so that you can hide from the “contradiction of the nations.” I will make your righteousness shine like light and your life like midday noon. Your plans were destroyed? Your soul yielded and you are exhausted? This was from Me.

You made plans and have your own goals; you brought them to Me to bless them. But I want you to leave it all to Me, to direct and guide the circumstances of your life by My hand, because you are the orphan, not the protagonist. Unexpected failures found you and despair overcame your heart, but know That this was from Me.

With tiredness and anxiety I am testing how strong your faith is in My promises and your boldness in prayer for your relatives. Why is it not you who entrusted their cares to My providential love? You must leave them to the protection of My All Pure Mother. Serious illness found you, which may be healed or may be incurable, and has nailed you to your bed. This was from Me.

Because I want you to know Me more deeply, through physical ailment, do not murmur against this trial I have sent you. And do not try to understand My plans for the salvation of people’s souls, but unmurmuringly and humbly bow your head before My goodness. You were dreaming about doing something special for Me and, instead of doing it, you fell into a bed of pain. This was from Me.

Because then you were sunk in your own works and plans and I wouldn’t have been able to draw your thoughts to Me. But I want to teach you the most deep thoughts and My lessons, so that you may serve Me. I want to teach you that you are nothing without Me. Some of my best children are those who, cut off from an active life, learn to use the weapon of ceaseless prayer. You were called unexpectedly to undertake a difficult and responsible position, supported by Me. I have given you these difficulties and as the Lord God I will bless all your works, in all your paths. In everything I, your Lord, will be your guide and teacher. Remember always that every difficulty you come across, every offensive word, every slander and criticism, every obstacle to your works, which could cause frustration and disappointment, This is from Me.

Know and remember always, no matter where you are, That whatsoever hurts will be dulled as soon as you learn In all things, to look at Me. Everything has been sent to you by Me, for the perfection of your soul. All these things were from Me.

(Cited from Orthodoxwiki.org)

my heart and soul screech the dissonance of my praise

Like an out of tune instrument my heart and soul screech the dissonance of my praise in the Divine Liturgy.  Father forgive me for not remembering your name on the tablet of my heart and instead profaning it with the other writings of men. My lips spray the graffiti of our profane talk on Your Temple. How I long to live in the house of the Lord forever. Have mercy on me a sinner. A week between liturgies feels like a year. Cleans my heart oh God, make within me a right spirit, a subtle heart and submissive will and mind! Draw up your walls and embattlements around and within me for I am under attack from within and without. Lord Have Mercy! I call to you Selaphiel to be my protector and guardian of my heart! In the darkness the demons shy upon my left and right and from behind. Uriel shine the light of our Lord upon my feet and path, so that in my blindness of the brightest light, I may only see our Lord and all else be hidden from me. Lord have Mercy! Lord Have Mercy! Lord Have Mercy!

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His Wisdom is Starlight

“

… When the angel spoke, God awoke in the heart of this girl of Nazareth and moved within her like a giant. He stirred and opened His eyes and her soul saw that in containing Him she contained the world besides. The Annunciation was not so much a vision as an earthquake in which God moved the universe and unsettled the spheres, and the beginning and end of all things came before her in her deepest heart. And far beneath the movement of this silent cataclysm she slept in the infinite tranquillity of God, and God was a child curled up who slept in her and her veins were flooded with His wisdom which is night, which is starlight, which is silence. And her whole being was embraced in Him whom she embraced and they became tremendous silence. …

“

- Thomas Merton, The Ascent to Truth, p.317

St. Seraphim of Sarov

St. Seraphim of Sarov asked for these remarkable words to be inscribed on his tombstone and they make me weep:

“When I am dead, come to me at my grave, and the more often the better. Whatever is on your soul, whatever may have happened to you, come to me as when I was alive, and kneeling on the ground, cast all your bitterness upon my grave. Tell me everything and I shall listen to you, and all the bitterness will fly away from you. And as you spoke to me when I was alive, do so now. For I am living, and I shall be for ever.”

It was love at first sight.. er read.. with him. It may seem kinda early but he seems like he might become my patron saint. It’s like my heart seems to just naturally/ mystically open to him, in spite of all the scar tissue and heart break. He is able to access the broken parts that seem completely impervious to myself otherwise. It’s so amazing how much Love flows through him. I struggle a lot with loving customers at work. In my job I get really tired of people… dealing with all their scruples, selfishness and caffeine addiction backlash, etc. (Don’t get between an addict and their drug, unless you’re ready for a fight. “Just say Yes!” as the sbux motto goes.) He had hundreds of people visiting him daily and he never tired of them, always happy to see them. I already really love him and his life. Thanks be to God!

The catholic Church

“

What about the men who run about the countryside  painting signs that say “Jesus saves” and “Prepare to meet God!”  Have you ever seen one of them, and I wonder what goes on in their minds.  Strangely, their signs do not make me think of Jesus, but of them.  Or perhaps it is “their Jesus” who gets in the way and makes all thought of Jesus impossible.  They wish to force their Jesus upon us, and He is perhaps only a projection of themselves.  They seem to be at times threatening the world with judgment and at other times promising it mercy.  But are they asking simply to be loved and recognized and valued, for themselves? In any case, their Jesus is quite different from mine.  But because their concept is different, should I reject it in horror, with distaste?  If I do, perhaps I reject something in my own self that  I no longer recognize to be there.  And in any case, if I can tolerate their Jesus then I can accept and love them.  Or I can at least conceive of doing so.  Let not their Jesus be a barrier between us, or they will be a barrier between us and Jesus.

“

- Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, Ch. 15 “Sentences”, pg. 106

Sentences from Merton

“

Memory is corrupted and ruined by a crowd of “memories.” If I am going to have a true memory, there are a thousand things that must first be forgotten.  Memory is not fully itself when it reaches only into the past.  A memory that is not alive to the present does not “remember” its true identity, is not memory at all.  He who remembers nothing but facts and past events, and is never brought back into the present, is a victim of amnesia.

We are so convinced that past evils must repeat themselves that we make them repeat themselves.  We dare not risk a new life in which the evils of the past are totally forgotten; a new life seems to imply new evils, and we would rather face evils that are already familiar.  Heance we cling to the evil that has already become ours, and renew it from day to day, until we become identified with it and change is no longer thinkable.

“

- Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, Ch. 15 “Sentences”, pg. 106